It's been a while since I last wrote a post. My life has been such a whirlwind this past year and honestly, sometimes I can't see straight. I'm in my senior year of college and almost ready to graduate. Although this road has been fun and really fast, it has been some of the most difficult years of my life I know it's only going to get harder.
I have the same fears every college graduate has. Where am I going from here? What is going to happen after I leave this campus?
For me the answer seemed so simple. I was going to graduate school to become a Physical Therapist. But going through my bachelor's I learned that it's not that easy. PT school is competitive. It's a competition and the more I search mu life I find that to a PT admissions officer, my life, the things I've done hold no meaning. I don't have the hours of experience I need, I don't have the perfect grades, I don't have extracurricular activities and most of all I don't have the confidence. All of these things add to my fears as my graduation date approaches and sometimes this fear is so crippling that I just want to throw in the towel. But that's what I noticed about myself. I allow fear to get in the way of God's plan for my life. I allow fear to control my destiny.
It's almost been a year since I attended a summer missions project where I learned how to crush fear... and I've forgotten everything about it. I've allowed fear to control my motives, who I talk to, how I think and what I should say. How did I get here? This prison of fear? I certainly didn't get here because I was reading the bible everyday. I got here because I allowed this to happen. And that's what kills me. I got here because of me!
I sometimes wonder why it's so easy to get in these cycles constantly going from sold out for Christ, back to complacency, back to sold out for Christ again. I've been contemplating where I'm at on this scale and honestly I've been at complacency for a while now. What happened to that fire and desire to be completely sold out for Christ? To have that passion to fight for what I believe in? I don't understand why I allow myself to get to these places to begin with. Why can't I just stay on this path and just continue grow rather than stall on the path God has for me and begin to walk in circles? It baffles me.
But then I think about it... its fear. I'm afraid to go to far. I'm afraid to get in too deep. I'm afraid of rejection and the hurt that comes with not being accepted. But why should that matter? Obviously, I'm not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ's servant (Galatians 1:10). So why do I care so much about people thinking differently of me, thinking I'm one of THOSE people... a Christian. I don't seek approval from man for they are not my God nor should I seek to appease them.
It's this fear I have and have had for years. It roots back to the issues I had with my father, never being good enough, never being able to express issues or problems I had, always trying to amount to what he wanted to be and always missing that pedestal he wanted to put me on. You know, I struggled for year trying to over come this and I may say that I don't care or I'm past that part of my life, but deep down when I really look inside myself, I'm still that little girl trying to seek approval from a man who held the standards so high. I'm still that girl afraid to talk to someone when there is something wrong because I expect to be put down and shamed for even bringing it up in the first place. I'm still that girl who just wanted the satisfaction of knowing my father was proud of my successes as well as my mistakes and that I learned from them.
This fear is very evident in my life and although I have grown better at communicating I still keep my mouth shut in times of conflict because I don't want someone to be mad or to be shamed for bringing up my opinion. This fear tells me that I will be nothing if I can't get into PT school. This fear tells me don't even bother trying because you're just going to fail anyway. This fear tells me you won't ever amount because you couldn't even please your father. And the sad thing is, I believe it... every single word of it. I allow my fear to control me, to control my thoughts, my ambitions, my goals. This fear has caused me to walk further away from God when I should have been clinging to God fully in every step I took, every fear that crossed my mind.
Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
"This is my command--be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
Fear is evident. It's all around us. It's our choice - my choice- to let it over power me. I don't want to walk in fear. I don't want to fear the unknown. I want to be able to stand strong and know that God is for me. And if my God is for me then who can ever stand against me? (Romans 8:31). God directs our paths, God goes before us, God is the ultimate puzzle piece coordinator knowing exactly where each piece goes and when it will be placed. Who am I to fear what God has so delicately laid out for me? Fear is just another way of saying God cannot and makes me doubt my faith in Him. If God got me this far, He will continue to work His plan in my life. Therefore, I should not fear. I should not allow fear to cripple my walk.
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the capacity to act in the presence of fear. Faith is not the absence of doubt, but the courage to believe in spite of doubt. Trust is not the absence of qualms, but the capacity to go forward despite misgivings."
~ Rev. Mary Harvey
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Monday, February 6, 2012
Encouragement
"As a result of your ministry, they will give glory to God. For your generosity to them and to all believers will prove that you are obedient to the Good News of Christ. And they will pray for you with deep affection because of the overflowing grace God has given to you. Thank God for this gift too wonderful for words!" 2 Corinthians 9:13-15
God has put me on a journey, one that I never, specifically, asked for, one that I never thought would occur. Definitely one that I'm not always comfortable with either. I've been blessed with this awesome opportunity to do ministry where I'm at and its hard for me. But God has called me to do it and who am I to turn it down?
In September (2011) I prayed at our College Group Retreat (One Day) that God would put me in situations where I had no choice but to trust and faith in Him. October (2011) two missionaries came to our front door and my faith was tested. My faith has been questioned, has been ridiculed, has been twisted and much more by these missionaries and I still stand firm in what I believe, even more so than ever.
Like I've said, it's hard. I have to fully put my trust in God every time I go to work in this ministry and its definitely a battlefield. When I tell people the ministry God has brought to my attention, some think I've lost my mind, some think I'm playing with fire and sadly, only a handful have been supportive. I didn't ask for this and I'm not seeking acceptance from people. My acceptance comes from Christ. All I ask is for encouragement because this is hard for me. Its hard going out talking about my faith to people who think I am of the Anti-Christ and who can refute my argument five different ways.
I know what I'm doing is dangerous, but God never said His tasks would be easy. I'm dealing with a tough semester and tougher conversations with the Missionaries I've been meeting with. But I have faith in God and that He will shine His light through me and Austin. He's at work in our lives and these missionaries lives. I know that God is doing a work here and it starts with willing servants of God to pick up that cross and follow after Jesus.
Our crosses aren't easy to bear and we stumble often when the cross seems too heavy. But Austin and I believe that we have a Heavenly Father who will lighten our load when we come to Him to find rest. God has continued to encourage us in these meetings, through His word, our friends and even our Pastor here in Humboldt.
The verse I shared earlier came to me tonight as I had my time with God and this verse struck me. The chapter talked about farmers and their crops. If a farmer sows only a little bit of seeds then the harvest will be small. But the farmer that plants a generous amount of seeds will receive a generous harvest. God uses us every day and every day we have the opportunity to plant seeds in other people's lives and we do what we can to abide by God's plans for us. God has called me to plant seeds in these missionaries lives. I can't guarantee that these meetings will result in a large harvest, but He has called me to meet with these missionaries to set an example, to reach out and to love them regardless of what they believe. It's been such an amazing experience so far and I wish to continue meeting with them to spread the Good News and Love that comes from our Heavenly Father.
All I ask, is for encouragement and prayer. I know what I'm doing is dangerous. I know what I'm doing is hard and like walking into a lion's den. But God never said it would be easy. God prevails and He still remains number one in my heart. I will follow where He leads me.
God has put me on a journey, one that I never, specifically, asked for, one that I never thought would occur. Definitely one that I'm not always comfortable with either. I've been blessed with this awesome opportunity to do ministry where I'm at and its hard for me. But God has called me to do it and who am I to turn it down?
In September (2011) I prayed at our College Group Retreat (One Day) that God would put me in situations where I had no choice but to trust and faith in Him. October (2011) two missionaries came to our front door and my faith was tested. My faith has been questioned, has been ridiculed, has been twisted and much more by these missionaries and I still stand firm in what I believe, even more so than ever.
Like I've said, it's hard. I have to fully put my trust in God every time I go to work in this ministry and its definitely a battlefield. When I tell people the ministry God has brought to my attention, some think I've lost my mind, some think I'm playing with fire and sadly, only a handful have been supportive. I didn't ask for this and I'm not seeking acceptance from people. My acceptance comes from Christ. All I ask is for encouragement because this is hard for me. Its hard going out talking about my faith to people who think I am of the Anti-Christ and who can refute my argument five different ways.
I know what I'm doing is dangerous, but God never said His tasks would be easy. I'm dealing with a tough semester and tougher conversations with the Missionaries I've been meeting with. But I have faith in God and that He will shine His light through me and Austin. He's at work in our lives and these missionaries lives. I know that God is doing a work here and it starts with willing servants of God to pick up that cross and follow after Jesus.
Our crosses aren't easy to bear and we stumble often when the cross seems too heavy. But Austin and I believe that we have a Heavenly Father who will lighten our load when we come to Him to find rest. God has continued to encourage us in these meetings, through His word, our friends and even our Pastor here in Humboldt.
The verse I shared earlier came to me tonight as I had my time with God and this verse struck me. The chapter talked about farmers and their crops. If a farmer sows only a little bit of seeds then the harvest will be small. But the farmer that plants a generous amount of seeds will receive a generous harvest. God uses us every day and every day we have the opportunity to plant seeds in other people's lives and we do what we can to abide by God's plans for us. God has called me to plant seeds in these missionaries lives. I can't guarantee that these meetings will result in a large harvest, but He has called me to meet with these missionaries to set an example, to reach out and to love them regardless of what they believe. It's been such an amazing experience so far and I wish to continue meeting with them to spread the Good News and Love that comes from our Heavenly Father.
All I ask, is for encouragement and prayer. I know what I'm doing is dangerous. I know what I'm doing is hard and like walking into a lion's den. But God never said it would be easy. God prevails and He still remains number one in my heart. I will follow where He leads me.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Ask and You will Receive
I've been blessed with the opportunity to go to Woods Cross, Utah and spend five days with some friends of mine that planted a church here in Utah. These past few days have just been amazing. I've gone from watching children, to touring the University, to meeting Cru Staff who went to the same school I attend now, to watching the snow fall, to touring the Temple and much more. I've been touched in so many ways by God's plan here in Utah with this Church plant. When I was introduced to our new Church building....I just cried at how amazing it all is.
I've been wanting to be a part of this for a few months and being here for these five days opens my eyes to possibilites of moving here in the future. I haven't felt the definite word to come here, but I have that longing to come here and be a part of God's work here in Salt Lake City, Utah.
When I started this journey, the two missionaries that came to my door in late October presented me with the question of what I believed the LDS faith to be. Not wanting to offend anyone or step on any toes, I admitted that I saw their faith as a good attempt, but that my belief was not in the Book of Mormon, but the Bible. They had me read a verse out of the book of Moroni in chapter 10:4-5 in which it states "And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with dreal intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things."
Seconds later, my friend's phone went off with the sound of thunder, scaring her because she had no idea what the ring was for. She had never heard the ring and she thought her phone was silent. When she pulled the phone out of her purse, she announced that it was her Bible verse of the day and apologized. She even said her ringer for her Bible verse of the day was a bell chiming. After we were finished with the tour she checked her phone to see what verse had been given. She turned to me, her eyes wide with shock and amazement. She showed me the verse and here is what I read: "And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive" Matthew 21:22. Pretty much the same verse, except one is more drawn out and words added to seem more eloquent and sophisticated.
This isn't the first time that I've witnessed verses from the Bible added to the Book of Mormon. I dare you to read Moroni 10:8-17 then read 1 Corinthians 12:1-11 and tell me there is no difference except for wording.
My heart goes out to these people. My heart hurts for them. My heart breaks for them. Truth is evident in God's word the Holy Bible, alone. I see truth in His word's rather than Joesph Smith's.
"And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent." John 17:3
I've been wanting to be a part of this for a few months and being here for these five days opens my eyes to possibilites of moving here in the future. I haven't felt the definite word to come here, but I have that longing to come here and be a part of God's work here in Salt Lake City, Utah.
When I started this journey, the two missionaries that came to my door in late October presented me with the question of what I believed the LDS faith to be. Not wanting to offend anyone or step on any toes, I admitted that I saw their faith as a good attempt, but that my belief was not in the Book of Mormon, but the Bible. They had me read a verse out of the book of Moroni in chapter 10:4-5 in which it states "And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with dreal intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things."
Seconds later, my friend's phone went off with the sound of thunder, scaring her because she had no idea what the ring was for. She had never heard the ring and she thought her phone was silent. When she pulled the phone out of her purse, she announced that it was her Bible verse of the day and apologized. She even said her ringer for her Bible verse of the day was a bell chiming. After we were finished with the tour she checked her phone to see what verse had been given. She turned to me, her eyes wide with shock and amazement. She showed me the verse and here is what I read: "And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive" Matthew 21:22. Pretty much the same verse, except one is more drawn out and words added to seem more eloquent and sophisticated.
This isn't the first time that I've witnessed verses from the Bible added to the Book of Mormon. I dare you to read Moroni 10:8-17 then read 1 Corinthians 12:1-11 and tell me there is no difference except for wording.
My heart goes out to these people. My heart hurts for them. My heart breaks for them. Truth is evident in God's word the Holy Bible, alone. I see truth in His word's rather than Joesph Smith's.
"And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent." John 17:3
Monday, April 4, 2011
Trust You
I’m not gonna fight you anymore
Not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why
I shouldn’t trust you with mine
It’s never easy changing my direction
It’s so unnatural to loosen up my grip
Are you growing weary of all my good intentions
Cause I know that You don’t work that way
Some days
This wait upon my shoulder
Is my shame
I know I should know better
Cause you say
That I must now surrender
There’s no other way
Not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why
I shouldn’t trust you with mine
It’s never easy changing my direction
It’s so unnatural to loosen up my grip
Are you growing weary of all my good intentions
Cause I know that You don’t work that way
Some days
This wait upon my shoulder
Is my shame
I know I should know better
Cause you say
That I must now surrender
There’s no other way
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)