It's been a while since I last wrote a post. My life has been such a whirlwind this past year and honestly, sometimes I can't see straight. I'm in my senior year of college and almost ready to graduate. Although this road has been fun and really fast, it has been some of the most difficult years of my life I know it's only going to get harder.
I have the same fears every college graduate has. Where am I going from here? What is going to happen after I leave this campus?
For me the answer seemed so simple. I was going to graduate school to become a Physical Therapist. But going through my bachelor's I learned that it's not that easy. PT school is competitive. It's a competition and the more I search mu life I find that to a PT admissions officer, my life, the things I've done hold no meaning. I don't have the hours of experience I need, I don't have the perfect grades, I don't have extracurricular activities and most of all I don't have the confidence. All of these things add to my fears as my graduation date approaches and sometimes this fear is so crippling that I just want to throw in the towel. But that's what I noticed about myself. I allow fear to get in the way of God's plan for my life. I allow fear to control my destiny.
It's almost been a year since I attended a summer missions project where I learned how to crush fear... and I've forgotten everything about it. I've allowed fear to control my motives, who I talk to, how I think and what I should say. How did I get here? This prison of fear? I certainly didn't get here because I was reading the bible everyday. I got here because I allowed this to happen. And that's what kills me. I got here because of me!
I sometimes wonder why it's so easy to get in these cycles constantly going from sold out for Christ, back to complacency, back to sold out for Christ again. I've been contemplating where I'm at on this scale and honestly I've been at complacency for a while now. What happened to that fire and desire to be completely sold out for Christ? To have that passion to fight for what I believe in? I don't understand why I allow myself to get to these places to begin with. Why can't I just stay on this path and just continue grow rather than stall on the path God has for me and begin to walk in circles? It baffles me.
But then I think about it... its fear. I'm afraid to go to far. I'm afraid to get in too deep. I'm afraid of rejection and the hurt that comes with not being accepted. But why should that matter? Obviously, I'm not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ's servant (Galatians 1:10). So why do I care so much about people thinking differently of me, thinking I'm one of THOSE people... a Christian. I don't seek approval from man for they are not my God nor should I seek to appease them.
It's this fear I have and have had for years. It roots back to the issues I had with my father, never being good enough, never being able to express issues or problems I had, always trying to amount to what he wanted to be and always missing that pedestal he wanted to put me on. You know, I struggled for year trying to over come this and I may say that I don't care or I'm past that part of my life, but deep down when I really look inside myself, I'm still that little girl trying to seek approval from a man who held the standards so high. I'm still that girl afraid to talk to someone when there is something wrong because I expect to be put down and shamed for even bringing it up in the first place. I'm still that girl who just wanted the satisfaction of knowing my father was proud of my successes as well as my mistakes and that I learned from them.
This fear is very evident in my life and although I have grown better at communicating I still keep my mouth shut in times of conflict because I don't want someone to be mad or to be shamed for bringing up my opinion. This fear tells me that I will be nothing if I can't get into PT school. This fear tells me don't even bother trying because you're just going to fail anyway. This fear tells me you won't ever amount because you couldn't even please your father. And the sad thing is, I believe it... every single word of it. I allow my fear to control me, to control my thoughts, my ambitions, my goals. This fear has caused me to walk further away from God when I should have been clinging to God fully in every step I took, every fear that crossed my mind.
Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
"This is my command--be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
Fear is evident. It's all around us. It's our choice - my choice- to let it over power me. I don't want to walk in fear. I don't want to fear the unknown. I want to be able to stand strong and know that God is for me. And if my God is for me then who can ever stand against me? (Romans 8:31). God directs our paths, God goes before us, God is the ultimate puzzle piece coordinator knowing exactly where each piece goes and when it will be placed. Who am I to fear what God has so delicately laid out for me? Fear is just another way of saying God cannot and makes me doubt my faith in Him. If God got me this far, He will continue to work His plan in my life. Therefore, I should not fear. I should not allow fear to cripple my walk.
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the capacity to act in the presence of fear. Faith is not the absence of doubt, but the courage to believe in spite of doubt. Trust is not the absence of qualms, but the capacity to go forward despite misgivings."
~ Rev. Mary Harvey
