I'm finding it hard to trust him in my situation with my Dad. I gave the situation to him at a retreat, but then it comes back a few months or several weeks later. And it never comes back good. It's always something my Dad needs from me or its to yell at me and curse me and harass me...It confuses me so much as to what to do. I really struggle with situational depression and whenever my Dad contacts me, depression hits me. It affects the people around me as well. I know I shouldn't let my feelings get to me or my dad for that matter. But it's so hard to deny those feelings that grip us so firmly. I find it hard to ignore what my dad says to me...all the hurtful things he says are like cuts and bruises that run deep and it takes a long time for those wounds to heal. I still haven't healed over the years of abuse I received from and I still haven't healed from the biggest wound he inflicted on my family. The Bible says that the heart and the feelings we have are deceitful. That may be true, but I still feel them and I still struggle with them. I know God is bigger and I know that he can heal. But how can it be healed when it keeps coming back to haunt me, reopening the wounds that were so close to healing? Am I being punished? Am I being tested?
I wasn't worth that trouble to my earthly father...and I know I'm worth it to my heavenly father because if I wasn't...I would be dead right now. But knowing all that I still feel the pain my Dad has inflicted on me. I still feel the pain when he harasses me whenever he feels the need to screw with me. I still feel the pain when he forces his guilt money on me when I don't deserve it or even want it. He says he's giving it to me to make sure I'm supported after he's gone...Now he cares that I'm supported. Now he wants to take care of me. Now he wants to be a Dad.
I'm so frustrated because I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I was once told that some people are hard to love. She referred them to a tea cup. She made an act of holding the cup up and showing the chip in the beautiful porcelain. She worked with the cup trying to fix the damaged tea cup and finally stopped. She stood back and looked at the cup and said, "The more I work with this cup, the more damaged it will get." She made an act of putting the cup away in a cupboard and said, "It's broke. I will take it down when it's ready to be fixed." I referred my fight with my dad to this analogy and I put the cup away to the best of my ability, ignoring his calls and drunken voicemails, ignoring his hurtful messages and harrassments. But the more he sends messages the more I want to reply and tell him to leave me alone, which to him means go ahead and text me until I scream at him or write him a letter explaining to him what I think of him exactly. I just can't take it anymore. I thought I gave this up to God...but if I'm still getting flack for it, I obviously didn't...
I feel as though that there's this giant sin in my life concerning my Dad but I'm finding it so hard to let it go. I've been weeding out the dark sins in my inner self and I'm succeeding pretty well...but this...this is just that one sin that will never go away. It's constantly peaking it head in at the wrong moments in my life. I could understand if the message/texts/calls were good calls that God was trying to get me to fix the situation...but whenever he gets the nerve to contact me, it's always an attack. I suppose I could text him and say that I will pray for him and pray that this situation will get better in God's time...not his. Maybe that's my answer. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to say to him. I don't know. I'm not sure. All I want is for him to get it through his head that this isn't about him anymore. It's about me and what God has planned for me. During the time this fight started, God was weeding out the people and things in my life that needed to disappear. My Dad said the wrong thing at the right time and I took the bait and confronted it. I even tried fixing it...but my Dad being my dad blew up in my face and screamed and yelled at me. So...I'm affraid. I'm affraid of him. Maybe that is what's holding me back. I'm not affraid of him through text or email...but in person I'm deathly affraid of him. Maybe if I can go to him with God before me, this will get fixed.
I need to pray more.
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